ZOOTOPIA: THE SHITPOSTS
by Lothar Hex
Summary: Complete and utter bullshit trollfics/shitposts. Not attacking anyone just posting for my own amusement.
1. THE SHITPOSTENING

Notes:

Decided to delete and re-upload the two separate stories in to one, to make it easier to add new stuff later as chapters rather than separate stories .

Also to piss off Critics United. I will take this down if the owners of tell me to, I won't;t do it at the request of self-appointed censors who don't really understand parody. I bet they thought they had convinced me after I removed the Fuckening. It's here as chapter two.

With that said, here are the two previous chapters. I have an idea for a third but I have to be in the right mood to write this bullshit.

* * *

"Hey Judy?"

"Yeah Nick?"

"It's obvious we're attracted to each other, right? I mean fuck it, it even says that in the relationship tags in the fic summary right?"

"Well yeah I totally want to jump your bones."

"Awesome, I wanna do the same to you."

"That's great Slick. So do you want spin this out over like 200,000 words of us being confused by our feelings for no other reason than for us to have hilariously twee and ridiculous conversations where we just can't say that to each other?"

"Of course I do Carrots! But let's make sure we try and throw in that we're confused by it because you are a bunny, and I am a fox. That way we can try and pretend this has some subtext for interracial relationships or just be there for drama's sake."

"As long as we throw in some hilarious misunderstandings that could be sorted out if we talked to each other for thirty seconds."

"Of course my best friend who is a rabbit and nothing else. I'm gonna stare at your butt now."

"You do that Nick. So, what now?"

"Well any minute now we'll probably get a case that starts off simple but spirals out of control."

"GUYS IT'S CHIEF BOGO HERE AND I AM YELLING BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO I NEED OUR TWO BEST BEAT OFFICERS TO INVESTIGATE A MURDER EVEN THOUGH THAT IS WHAT DETECTIVES DO!"

"Wow really sir? I mean in fairness the movie kind of chucked police procedure under the bus, but I doubt two junior officers should be put in charge of the case."

"SHUT UP HOPPS THIS IS HAPPENING. ALSO, THE MURDER IS THAT OF A POLITICIAN/ACTIVIST OF SOME KIND! NOW GET TO IT! I NEED TO GO DECIDE IF I'M GAY FOR CLAWHAUSER OR NOT IN THIS STORY!"

"Oh sir, everyone's gay for Clawhauser! Isn't that right Ben?"

"I feel like I'm being pigeonholed here."

"Oh that Ben. Anyway Nick, still attracted to me?"

"Yup, you?"

"Yep, but we're not gonna talk about it! Just stare in to each other's eyes for uncomfortable amounts of time."

"Oh god yes that gets me so hard. But eyes sound so dull, Imma call them your amethyst orbs."

"Oh that sounds so romantic and not stupid in anyway. I'm going to call your eyes emerald globes. So what's next?"

"We better remind everyone that I am a fox and you're a bunny in case they forgot."

"Oh yeah well; we just did that so what now?"

"Let's see… It should be right about now a _sort of_ canon character turns up to complicate the investigation and also be the same species as one of us at some lazy attempt at conflict."

"Hello it is I, Jack Savage, here to take the investigation from you as this is now in the hands of FBICIAAGENCYMI5. Judy Hopps, do you want to bang me?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely positive?"

"I want you to fuck off and leave me alone."

"And now I shall only hear the 'I want you' part of the conversation and instantly assume I have no chance against this rabbit from FBICIAAGENCYMI5 even though it is blatantly obvious that Judy likes me."

"Is it my special eyes?"

"Yes, it is your amethyst orbs."

"Awesome! So I guess we should start investigating the murder huh?"

"Shit I completely forgot about that."

"No you cannot investigate the murder because I, Jack Savage of the FBICIAAGENCYMI5 have taken over."

"Please can we help?"

"Oh go on then."

"Awesome, thanks Jack!"

"And now I am even more convinced that Judy is in love with Jack so I'm going to go be depressed. God I hope some other woman doesn't show up."

"Hi there I'm Skye!"

"WHAT ARE THE ODDS?"

"Oh it's OK, Jack and I are actually in a relationship, except that he sleeps around because that's a joke about rabbits being sex fiends."

"It's true. I do get to sleep with anyone I want and she's totally fine with it because fuck consequences in this fantasy story, am I right?"

"Damn straight! Nick, I think we forgot to mention that I'm a bunny and you're a fox."

"Shit we better do that again and even though we have this other inter-species couple here we're gonna drag this out for a bit longer because DRAMA. Also, didn't we have a murder to investigate?"

"Crap you're right. Look a clue that leads me to suspect that the killer is a criminal from your past."

"Oh God it's my dad, isn't it?"

"Maybe? Could be Bellwether as well. Fuck knows she shows up enough in these."

"True, but I guess it's about time to go talk to Duke Weaselton and get some info that cracks the case wide open. Heya Duke."

"No one acknowledges the fact that by being a weasel and sneaky as all get out I invalidate the film's message about prejudice and not judging books by their cover. Here's some info that I got from my father's cousin's sister's brother's uncle's former roommate."

"Thanks Duke! Anything else Carrots?"

"I think it's about time for my parents to show up."

"Aww that's nice. My parents are either dead, not talking to me, or evil so it would be great to have a surrogate family."

"Well you sure as hell can be part of ours Nick. I'm Bonnie and I can see you two love each other and I'm fine with that. Or uncomfortable and racist. Shit what were my character traits again?"

"GRAH STU HOPPS NO LIKE FOX. STU SMASH!"

"I like your Dad Judy."

"Aww he's a real articulate fella Judy, I like him now. You should bang him."

"Aw fuck I forgot people like to throw in rabbits being very open about sex because…humour?"

"Well foxes like me mate for life. That's it. That's the entire plot point. Apparently this is adorable."

"Speaking of foxes shouldn't Finnick or Gideon show up by now?"

"WHASSUP MUTHAFUCKAS! FINNICK IN THE VAGUELY RACIST HOUSE!"

"Aw shucks well that there fella is the cutest thing since crows on wheat bread. How ya'll doing Judy!"

"Aww I'm fine Gid, have you met Nick?"

"I don't like you Gideon."

"Blueberry flavoured baked goods."

"NICK AND GID BFFS! ALSO POSSIBLY A LITTLE BISEXUAL I DUNNO!"

"Oh fuck we forgot about the murder! Nick, isn't it about time we acknowledge our feelings?"

"Probably, but lets wait a little longer, we're about to find out who the villain is."

"IT IS I BELLWETHER!"

"This is amazing and no one saw it coming."

"I AM GOING TO USE NIGHTHOWLERS BECAUSE I AM RACIST AND USING THE SAME PLOT FROM THE MOVIE SHOWS HOW MUCH OF A GOOD FAN I AM!"

"Oh no you don't Bellwether, I Nick shall try and stop you but will get beaten in a fistfight because hey, not like I went through the same ZPD training as Judy but must be at least somewhat competent."

"OH NO NICK YOU GOT HIT BY THE NIGHTHOWLERS."

"NICK HUNGRY! NICK ATTACK SHEEP!"

"No the fox has defaulted to his base instincts and is defending the rabbit, time to pull out my real gun and shoot him which would have been a much better plan!"

"NO NICK HAS BEEN SHOT AND IS DYING BUT I NEVER CONFESSED MY LOVE!"

 ** _*CUT TO BLACK*_**

"It turns out I'm fine!"

"And we confessed our love for each other and we're all good. Also Bellwether is dead."

"And not a single fuck was given."

"Hey did we do any actual police work during this story?"

"Honestly Judy I have no idea."

THE END.


	2. THE FUCKENING

"Hey Nick!"

"Hey Judy!"

"Guess We're back doing this again."

"Sure are, but hey, we're in a relationship now! And we're also gonna be having a lot of sex."

"Oh should we get that out of the way now then?"

"I don't see any reason not to. I should mention that as I am a bigger mammal than you and a predator so I am afraid of hurting you."

"Also apparently I was so focused on my goal of becoming a police officer I never even thought about sex which makes me a pariah among rabbits, except that I'm not."

"Well then let's get to it!"

"Yay! Oh we are naked and I now I see your dick and am intimidated by it after all. And OMG it's the knot which shouldn't be a surprise at this point but for some reason it is."

"I am still worried about hurting you."

"I want you to hurt me Nick."

"This is going all Fifty Shades of Grey Bunnies in a second isn't it?"

"No, I don't think any Zootopia writer could write something that bad."

"OK, I'm putting my penis in you."

 ** _"OH GOD IT HURTS SO GOOD!"_**

"Yeah cos that isn't terrifying, though it probably gives the author an ego-boost if they're male. I however will not knot you as that will probably hurt like no one's business. Oh we should make sure we look in to each other's eyes while doing this so we can say we love them. I love your amethyst orbs."

"And I love you emerald marbles. OK so we've had sex and it was so good I came like fifteen times which is ridiculous even for a porno and is probably giving some younger reads (shame on you btw) some unrealistic expectations."

"It's mainly just grunting and sweating and you'll be fucking lucky if you and your partner cum at the same time kids, just so you know."

"Right so now that we've had sex we should keep this fact a secret from everyone at the precinct. OH SHIT IT'S CLAWHAUSER AND HE SAW US KISS WE ARE BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS!

"Is Clawhauser bad at keeping secrets?

"Yes because everyone expects him to be because he's stereotypically gay."

"Are gay people bad at keeping secrets?"

"According to sitcoms, yes."

"OMG GUYS YOU ARE A COUPLE THIS IS SO CUTE AND I WIN THE BETTING POOL THAT EVERYONE PUTS IN THESE STORIES."

"Keep it down Ben. Can we just skip the surprise/anger at our sex lives being used for gambling and get to Chief Bogo yelling do you think Nick?"

"Not before we come across one of the wolves in the precinct."

"Why's that?"

"HI I'M WOLFORD YOU SMELL LIKE SEX!"

"Oh right, does he do anything else?"

"Apparently I'm good friends with him."

"HEY NICK YOU SMELL LIKE SEX!"

"Thanks Wolford. Your purpose in this story has been served and you may leave."

"HOPPS! WILDE! MY OFFICE!"

"Ah Chief Bogo right on queue. Yes me and Nick are in love and doing the horizontal tango."

"THIS IS NOT GOOD! I SHOULD FIRE YOU BOTH FOR FRATERNIZATION EVEN THOUGH THAT'S A THING FOR THE MILITARY AND NOT THE POLICE WHO MOSTLY HAVE SEXUAL HARRASMENT GUIDELINES INSTEAD! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BECAUSE **_PLOT_**! ALSO I'M KEEPING YOU TOGETHER SAYING THAT I SHOULDN'T BUT AGAIN, MOST POLICE FORCES DON'T HAVE THAT SORT OF RULE! ALSO BECAUSE I'M SECRETLY A SHIPPER I'M GIVING YOU TWO WEEKS OFF TO FUCK LIKE RABBITS!"

"Hey I resemble that remark!"

"DON'T CARE HOPPS! NOW GO AWAY! I STILL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT IF I'M GAY FOR CLAWHAUSER."

"I'm gay for you Chief!"

"THANKS BEN!"

"Aww sweet Judy, now that we have two weeks off what should we do?"

"Let's go visit my parents!"

"Yeah sounds cool, wanna fuck again though?"

"DO I!"

"My fear of hurting you have somewhat lessened so I will be a bit rough this time Judy."

 ** _"YES NICK! DO ME! BITE ME! BITE ME LIKE YOU'RE A SAVAGE MONSTER! MAKE ME BLEED YOU FLESH HUNGRY BEAST!"_**

"Jesus Christ Judy people are gonna think you were in to vore. I'm reluctant in knotting you."

"Anyway here we are in my home town of Bunnyburrow! Which is small and boring but filled with small town rural charm. Also racist rednecks."

"Can they be rednecks if they have fur? I mean technically I'm the only redneck here."

"It's a smutfic, who the hell is looking for sense?"

"Fair point. Hey look Fluff it's your parents!"

"Hi Judy and Nick. You two finally banged huh? Good! I was afraid that Judy was going to die alone because her worth as a woman is practically based on her having someone willing to put their dick in crazy! Because Judy, you must be crazy to be a rabbit and inexperienced in sex."

"Thanks Dad!

"Oh Judy you and Nick look so cute together, but what about babies? As a mother I am legally obligated to espouse about how great children and and I worry about the fact that you'll never be able to have kids. This is because the majority of your worth as a woman is based on you being able to pop out a million of the little fuckers.."

"Well Mom this will probably turn out two ways, the author will either have the not unreasonable thought that that is a fucking bullshit reason for a woman to have kids but will deliver it in such a heavy handed way that it'll make even people who agree with them groan a little. Or It'll turn out we'll be able to have kids somehow. I dunno adoption or hybrids? Maybe both!"

"Isn't it ridiculously early to be talking about kids Judy?"

"Yes Nick, yes it is."

"So when does the racist caricature member of your family turn up?"

"IT IS I! STRAWMAN HOPPS HERE TO BE UNREASONABLE!"

"Hi bro!"

"Hi Judy! You should not be in a relationship with a predator because it is morally wrong! To that end I'm going to threaten and also possible try to kill a police officer!"

"Oh bro you were always the rambunctious one of the group, so after punching you I won't have you arrested for threatening/attempted murder of a police officer. That OK with you Nick?"

"Hell it was probably my idea! I don't want to cause a rift in the family after all!"

"Now to fuck in my childhood bedroom! Is this some kind of fantasy? Or did the author nicked from some crappy romance novel?"

"Like the type you embarrassingly have not very well hidden in here?"

"Yes those ones exactly!"

"Hey Judy, I think I might be able to knot you now and Let's just hope nothing bad happens!"

 ** _"OH YES NICK BITE ME, MAKE ME BLEED! OW YOU BIT ME AND NOW I'M BLEEDING!"_**

"This is such an unexpected turn of events that if has caused me in to a deep bout of depression. Maybe Strawman Smurf…I mean Hopps, was right!"

"I STRAWMAN HOPPS TOLD YOU SO!"

"Fuck off Strawman Hopps before I commit fratricide! Nick it's OK even though I was hurt I still really got off on it and know you wouldn't hurt me intentionally even if I did literally ask for it, which quite frankly I might!"

"Jesus you really are in to vore aren't you?"

"Or at least the author is. Now that's over with let's go have sex out in public somewhere!"

"Wait I am required by law to sit here and brood for at least 48 hours."

"Aww, Well I guess that gives us time to go to some conveniently timely festival of some kind, probably about carrots."

"Aww look at us being all cute and shit and we get to speak to other people who can see we're in love and it makes me feel better. Let's go fuck again!"

"Hooray!"

"I am now sufficiently over my depression to stick my knot in you properly this time. Honestly I think the author shops on Bad Dragon with how much this is mentioned."

 ** _"OH GOD THIS KNOT IS WONDERFUL AND FILLS ME UP SO GOOD AND I AM CUMMING SO MUCH AND YOU'RE CUMMING IN ME!"_**

"And now we are locked together and we are calling in Mandatory Cuddle Time™ because the author saw that comic by Eric Schwartz, pornlord extraordinaire."

"And thus we end our story, unless we're forgetting anything."

 ***satisfied silence***

"SHIT WE FORGOT TO DO POLICE WORK AGAIN!"

THE END


	3. BABIES!

Judy and Nick were busy doing mundane chores when Judy's phone rang, Judy picked up the phone and saw it was her parents calling. She answered, wondering what was coming.

"Hi mom."

"Babies."

"What?"

"Babies."

"Mom you're not making any sense."

" _Babies._ "

"Mom could you start using more words?"

" _ **BABIES!**_ "

"OK, ow! Mom what…"

" _ **BABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIESBABIES!"**_

"OK fine jeez, message received!" Judy said and hung up. "Nick, we gotta have babies!"

"Aww dammit, do we have to?"

"Yes because apparently despite the movie being about defying expectations, apparently happiness equals spawning little wiggling clones of us."

"Oh OK, so how we gonna go about this?"

"Well the way I see it we have five options. One, I cheat on you and get pregnant, probably by Jack Savage."

"Hello!"

"Oi get the fuck out of here Jack no one asked you! Yeah I'm not crazy about that idea Judy."

"Me neither. Option two, you have a secret lovechild from your past, probably with Skye Winters."

"Hey there!"

"I said fuck off! Again not crazy about that one Carrots."

"Oh thank God. Option three, adoption due to tragedy. Like finding a racoon in a dumpster because that's not a little racist."

"I mean…is it?"

"Honestly I have no idea how the fuck racism works in this world so I guess?"

"Let's put that in the maybe pile."

"OK option four is surrogacy…but I don't think any authors actually done that yet so we can't make fun of it."

"Aww."

"I know babe. Finally option five, magical hybrid."

"Ooooh let's go with that one. Then we can argue over calling it a funny or box."

"Do we need to have it be unexpected so we can throw an argument over pro-life versus pro-choice."

Suddenly, Nick grabbed Judy and held her up to his face.

"Judy I love you with all my heart and I know we're taking the piss out of a good chunk of the fandom right now, but I will say this only once. _If we go down 'The Borba Hole' I swear to God I will kill you, your family, my family, the entire ZPD and then nuke the city before shooting myself in the head."_

"Great glad we got that sorted. So…sex?"

"Sex."

 _ **A somewhat short long time later, probably weeks because the author did some google search on rabbit gestation periods, found the Wikipedia article and left it at that…**_

"Hi, I "Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the Third, but you can call me *INSERT TWEE NAME HERE*"

"Uh Judy is it supposed to talk?"

"I dunno, probably, look I am on a shit tonne of pain killers right now from pushing a bowling ball through a keyhole so I'll believe anything."

"Fair enough hello *INSERT TWEE NAME HERE* I am your father. Apparently the fact that I acted like a great father to Finnick during a con is an indication that I would be really good at it."

"Hello Daddy!"

"And I'm your mother, apparently coming from a large family means I love kids, but statistics show that coming from a large family can lead to being ignored by your parents. This actually probably explains my drive to stand out from the crowd, but like we're going to talk about that much right?"

"Hi Mommy!"

"So now what Judy?"

"Conflict in 3..2..1…"

"JUDY!"

"Hi Mom, Dad, random siblings."

"YOU HAVE A BABY BUT IT IS A HYBRID WHICH IS EVIL FOR SOME REASON."

"Oh God…"

"WE ARE RANDOM ZOOTOPIAN CITIZENS WHO ALSO BELIEVE THIS"

"How the hell are you all fitting in this hospital room?"

"OH CONFLICT OVER WE'RE OK WITH IT NOW AND NOW THERE'S A BAJILLION HYBRIDS BECAUSE NICK'S SPERM WAS THE MAGICAL CONDUIT THAT NEED THIS TO HAPPEN."

"Well I don't mean to brag…"

"Mommy, Daddy? I'm scared and confused."

"Welcome to your life you little walking plot device."

"Oh and we adopted another kid as an afterthought. Say hi to your little brother who we've called *INSERT PUN NAME HERE*"

"I hate him."

*BABY EYES*

"I love him."

"So, we done now Nick?"

"I guess unless we wanna throw more random generic plots in. Like Bellwether coming back or some caricature of Donald Trump starting political shit."

"Well in fairness I'm pretty sure that guy is a caricature brought to life via either voodoo, Nazi science, or Nazi voodoo science."

"So apart from that we're done now Slick?"

"Nope, gotta do the epilogue."

 _ **AND THUS THE COMING OF HYBRIDS STARTED A NEW AGE OF HAPPINESS AND TOLERANCE IN THE CITY OF ZOOTOPIA WHERE LOVE BLOSSOMED AND NOBODY GOT HURT EVER AGAIN. NO NOT EVEN FROM A STUBBED TOE.**_

 _ **AT LEAST UNTIL THE AUTHOR DECIDES TO WRITE A SEQUEL.**_

 _ **THE END? (Dear God I hope so.)**_

* * *

Notes:

Guess who's in a long term committed relationship and doesn't want kids!

Addedum; I should mention I don't begrudge the babies story too much as long as they are well written, and I do enjoy some of them, but God there's a lot of them as if there's no other way to tell a story without it becoming "Babies Ever After."

You enjoy them? Good. You do you.


End file.
